THE DAY I STOPPED PRETENDING
How a Crisis in 2001 Brought Life Integration and Transformation
“The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.” - Joseph Campbell
I was a guy many came to for advice and encouragement. I was a leader with a lot of "the" answers. I was a friend who could handle most anything... that was, until the day I realized I needed help the most.
THE 'PERFECT' LEADER FACADE
For most of my adult life I wore the mask of "having it together” pretty well. You know the type - the one others call when they’re in crisis, the person who might have a few challenges but who was always willing (and able) to help others when their world was falling apart. I could give great advice and input to everyone else but was also struggling privately with my own "stuff."
I had built my identity around being the 'fairly evolved' leader, the helper, the spiritual teacher who had much of life figured out. As a youth pastor, then a singles' pastor and finally a founding/lead pastor of a 2,000+ person church, I loved guiding and supporting others through their darkest moments with compassion and humility. I never claimed to be perfect or problem free, but in my role and profession I knew I was expected to be a "rock" for others.
The problem with being everyone else’s rock is that rocks don’t get to show their cracks. And by 2001, I was developing some serious fissures.
I was working long hours, saying yes to everyone and everything else, and running on the fumes of "being needed." I told myself this was noble work and this is what it meant to be a "good" person, spiritual teacher and leader. I don't know what I was thinking really. I was so tired from burning the candle at both ends I had grown extremely numb to everything.
I was good at my job, but beneath the surface, I was somewhat of a ticking timebomb.
THE BREAKING POINT
It was a late Saturday night in September of 2001. I finally got the courage to tell my wife at the time about just how bad things had gotten. But she wasn't the only one I needed to tell. The next day I called my leadership team around me and shared gathered them together on that Tuesday night. My head hung as I shared with them my despair, failures and shortcomings as a husband, father and a leader.
I felt undone, exposed, embarrassed and pretty hopeless. All I could feel was the crushing weight of pretending to be something I wasn’t. For the first time in years I was forced to confront the truth: The helper needed help. The leader needed leading. The pastor who named his church "ROCK Harbor" had hit his own "rock bottom."
I didn't know it then, but that was the beginning of something very new and different. And although I'd not wish that experience on anyone, I decided - then and there - to make the most of it!
There were so many realizations I was starting to make:
My own "best thinking" had gotten me into the mess.
My own "best thinking" couldn't get me out of it.
I didn't know where to go, what to do or who to call.
I would need the help of someone who had traveled that road.
I was afraid. I felt alone. I was right where I needed to be.
THE JOURNEY FROM PRETENDING TO AUTHENTIC
This experience it ultimately was led me to stop pretending and start the real work of integration and transformation.
The first thing I had to admit was that I didn’t have it all together. Not even close. This might seem obvious, but for someone whose entire identity was built around being the “together” person, it was earth-shattering. I had to grieve the loss of my perfect helper persona and learn to be human instead of superhuman.
The second realization was even harder: I had been using my helping of others as a way to avoid dealing with my own pain. I can now see how much easier it was to focus on someone else’s problems than to sit with my own discomfort, struggles and questions. I had become addicted to being needed because it allowed me to feel valuable without having to face my own vulnerability.
I started seeing a therapist - something I should have been doing all along but had convinced myself I didn’t need. I began the slow, humbling work of learning to how to be honest about my struggles, how to ask for help, how to set boundaries, how to prioritize my own wellbeing and how to take instruction. Ugg.
It wasn’t pretty. It was difficult. There were awkward conversations with people. And I had to sit with the uncomfortable experience of being on the receiving end of care instead of always giving it.
Yet slowly... something beautiful began to emerge.
WHAT I LEARNED ABOUT FLOURISHING
Through this crisis and the integration work that followed, I discovered what I now know to be the foundation of all authentic growth: You Cannot Give What You Do Not Have!
This sounds simple, but it’s revolutionary for those of us who have been trained to believe that self-care is selfish. I learned that taking care of myself wasn’t betraying my calling to help others - it was actually the prerequisite for helping them well.
I discovered that my defects and and negative habits, when properly addressed and integrated, became my greatest source of wisdom. The pain I had tried so hard to avoid became the very thing that qualified me to sit with others in their pain. My breakdown became my breakthrough (cheesy but true)!
I learned that authenticity is not just more honest - it’s more helpful. When I stopped pretending to have it all together, my clients felt permission to not have it all together as well. When I owned my humanity, I gave them permission to own theirs.
Most importantly, I learned that flourishing isn’t about perfection - it’s about integration. It’s about learning to hold both your strength and your struggle, your wisdom and your wounds, your capacity to help others and your need to be helped.
THE TRANSFORMATION CONTINUES
That crisis in 2001 didn’t just change my life - it redirected it entirely. It led me to develop what I now call the “integration approach” to healing and growth, which focuses not on eliminating our struggles but on learning to work with them in healthy ways.
It’s why I now specialize in working with caregivers, leaders, helping professionals and both present and former clergy in their time of need. I have a special place in my heart for those who might also be struggling with burnout, crisis and the pressure to have it all together.
It’s why my coaching practice, FLOURISH Coaching w/Keith Page, is built on the foundation that you don’t have to choose between caring for others and caring for yourself. The work I do now - helping people move from surviving to thriving, from pretending to authentic, from burnout to sustainable impact - is all rooted in my own "rock bottom" experience.
IF THIS STORY SOUNDS FAMILIAR
If you’re reading this and seeing yourself in my story, then here's something I wish someone had tole me: "You are not broken. You are not weak for having struggles. You are not a failure when you need help. You are human and we humans are not built to carry the weight of the world on our shoulders."
Let me add, "Your struggle is not a disqualification for what you're doing - it's a qualification.The very things you might be ashamed of - the cracks in your facade - are not bugs in the system but a feature. They are what help you become more compassionate, more authentic and more effective in your calling."
Finally, "You don’t have to figure this out alone. One of the lies we tell ourselves when we’re in crisis is that we should be able to handle it ourselves. The truth is that isolation is a breeding ground for shame - and shame keeps us stuck. The antidote to shame is connection - and connection requires vulnerability.
It’s possible to transform your pain into purpose. The crisis that feels like it’s destroying you might actually be redirecting you toward your most authentic and impactful life. But this transformation doesn’t happen automatically - it requires intention, support and time.
Your story doesn’t have to end with a "rock bottom" experience of whatever shape and size. Mine didn't. Instead your crisis can become a doorway to integration, transformation and the kind of life where you can find great meaning and satisfaction. It simply requires the willingness to say "yes" to the opportunity in front of you.
THE INVITATION
Twenty-three years later, I can honestly say that the worst day of my life led to the best life I could imagine. Not because the pain disappeared, but because I learned to integrate it in ways that made me more human, more helpful and more whole.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed, burned out or tired of pretending you have it all together - please know that you don’t have to stay there. Your crisis doesn’t have to be your ending, but maybe your new beginning.
The work isn't easy or instant, but it is possible. And you don't have to do it alone.
Ready to move from surviving to thriving? If this story resonates with your experience and you’re ready to begin your own integration and transformation journey, I’d love to talk with you. Contact me at (949) 701-3631 or keithpagecoaching@gmail.com to schedule a free consultation where we can explore what flourishing looks like for your specific situation.
About the Author: Keith Page is a professional coach who helps caregivers, leaders, helping professionals and (both) present and former clergy in times of need. Through his organization FLOURISH Coaching, Keith specializes in supporting those navigating crisis, grief, burnout, unhealthy habits and religious transitions. Keith believes in the human spirit and the ability to evolve. His mission: helping people flourish instead of just survive.
